I think writing an update is in order because it's been a month and I've been deliberately quiet.

It's been the heat, I avoid being around my computer. I don't go out of my way to really talk about what my life is like on a day to day basis because I'm not doing much other then sitting at the computer or trying not to over heat by being in a room where I'd need a laptop, which I'm avoiding that as well. I'm still on my phone mostly and on my Discord but I can't bring it to me to bother people with my complaints and ramblings... or even plans.

Twitter and discord are places I tend to be at these days and I throw my ideas to anons at the chans, which I'm aware how dangerous that can be. There is something cathartic being able to yell at people I'll never meet and just let loose steam without upsetting normal people. I feel like this behavior was something I was doing too often around twitter and journals and getting possessive over dumb fandom bullshit isn't good. BUT I still need places and communities where I can derail into conversations that won't go anywhere and targeted at people who don't matter that much.

My personal life I guess is me talking to a therapist every week and taking CBD/THC edibles to keep me together. The therapist is doing alright I guess but it's sort of hard to really feel like I'm getting through shit. I feel like the CBD is helping more because I have less cravings and I'm less inclined to chronic pains and anxiety. I'm coming to some realization that being stuck at home isn't working and is apart of my issues but I'm still not strong enough to feel like I can leave. There's always something that happens that brings me back into my cave and I'm often made to feel like leaving will be worse somehow... or uncharacteristically me.

ART wise I'm slowly chugging through my Animaniacs ideas, trying to finish them up little bit by little bit. I can feel like people are getting tired of them and so I'm thankful when people are still happy that I'm getting them out there. When the days hit about 3-6pm it's at it's hottest around here and I end up taking a nap. I get lost in online topics too easily and I get distracted with arting. My arting method now hasn't been loose and free form for a WHILE either. I get annoyed at the "perfectionism is evil" language I see from art twitter, and I see the work they produce and I value very little about it. I don't get inspired by other artists anymore. I don't know if people are inspired by art at all and I don't feel like I can give good advice in comparison to people who have jobs in art.

There might be a point where my mentality has shifted into obsession and anger to avoid sadness as a default response. Rather then being sad and lonely all the time, I accept being an enemy to others because I don't want to be forced to change myself to appease others. Not to an aggressive state, and not to the undeserved. I still treat my opinions as useless to most normal people and I think about all sides of the situation before spewing out the horrible thing I'd say if I didn't have a filter.

Guess this journal isn't really an update but I felt like I owed it to people just to give them something after a lot of nothing to say. Galleries like FA and Newgrounds are fine really, I'm just avoiding them because I can't conform to the rules set and I'm afraid of being seen and called out JUST for drawing pervy cartoons. Even if it was my OWN OCs, even for characters like Villy, Berry, Demion, Eddie or Wallop, there's this fear that it can be used against me somehow. "Look at this freak who draws these things, they deserved to be harassed for it." The sadness might've been replaced with anger and envy, but the paranoia hasn't gone away. I just can't see what I need to do for the foreseeable future anymore. Nothing feels safe.

To the people still checking in on SubStar I feel like I need to apologize but then also very thankful. Really if noone commits to it that's fair. If the art that is being submitted isn't good, I can take that feedback, and I'm sorry it upset people. I'm gonna draw what I want to draw, and I do care to give members something unique to look at. Little bits of income mean a lot because I'm not confident I can do anything for long term sometimes.

If you read this all the way, thank you too. Stay safe in these trying times.